Anger gets a bad wrap and understandably so. When unleashed, without control or care, in the ‘fight or flight’ mode, it can really cause major damage and be very frightening. We experience anger for a reason though and the more understanding we have around what causes it, the less it takes over and the more useful and appropriate it can be, because it does have a positive purpose.
Anger is protective…
You only have to look at a mother protecting her child from danger to see how useful anger can be for survival. Anger increases strength and capacity (mental, emotional and physical) for short periods of time to enable action, which would otherwise be too difficult. People often wait to get angry before speaking up about a need not being met or unexpressed desires, etc., because it’s easier to ‘get it out’ when anger is the catalyst.
If anger is something you’ve experienced in the past or struggle with from time to time now, it’s worth reflecting upon this question, “If I had the courage to speak my mind or if I was protecting myself and addressing my own needs right now, what would I really want to say?” (What’s the unspoken request?) If we don’t share these, the result is unconscious selfanger, often felt as guilt, ‘failure’ or self-loathing. It gets expressed in angry outbursts at others in accusations which sound like, “You’re so selfish and uncaring!” This leads to feeling bad and further suppresses the courage to say what you really want to, because you feel even less worthy now of making the request after having spoken so harshly.
Become an advocate for your hidden needs to avoid over-reacting
The cost of not protecting your needs equally to those of others, is that it causes damage to the very relationships you are trying to protect. Avoid the risk of yelling by speaking up gently and courageously about your hidden desires and needs. Vulnerability triggers in others a desire to help and connect. You’ll be surprised how positively people respond and how little you’ll need to use anger once you start sharing honestly.
“When I am angry I can write, pray and preach well, for then my whole temperament is quickened, my understanding sharpened and all mundane vexations and temptations are gone.” Martin Luther
In summary:
- Anger, unleashed in ‘fight/flight’ mode creates havoc.
- Anger can be used to protect and fuel positive change in relationships. It has a purpose.
- Your needs are equally as important as the needs of others. Only by sharing these can people respond helpfully.
Bare Hands is run by allied health professionals committed to helping women embrace positive change by providing access to practical education. To find out more give us a call, email us or visit www.barehands.com.au
Secure Payments